need another drink. this is the easiest way
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
