Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
