I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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