Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
