I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
