I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
