there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
