Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
