Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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