I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
