Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
