I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
