I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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