party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
