Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
