ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Found your dick twin last night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
