If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
