i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
In America we eat man semen.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
