At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
