She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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