I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
