If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
