I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
