I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
