Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
