I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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