I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
