Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
