He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
