Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
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We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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