i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
