Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
