Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
