I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
