i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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