NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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