tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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