please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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