I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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