my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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