I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
