I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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