I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
