I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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