Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
