Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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