he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
