the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
