You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
