I will die if light touches me.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
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If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize