So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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