I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
