Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
