And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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