I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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