using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
