I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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