apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
