I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize