aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
