She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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