probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
