So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
